In order for me to have boundaries with #Fly and my personal life I made it a rule to not share when I'm dealing with something in the moment. That way it allows me to share with clarity what I want rather than venting, whining, or potentially sharing something I'd regret later.
My goal in this is to be authentic but to also have some separation in order to protect myself and my loved ones. Also? I feel like its healthy for me.
Some of you have noticed that I haven't been sharing anything recently and I absolutely appreciate the messages. Life has been tricky to navigate and it just isn't letting up so scooted back just a bit to process it all.
My word for this year is to LIVE. So this is me living. Sharing that I'm still in the thick of the hard and the tricky but part of living is existing in the moment. So, hi!
We are having a baby girl.
On purpose? You bet. We knew a LONG time ago that this needed to happen. She belongs in our family. She needed US to be her parents.
Am I scared? Out of my mind.
It's taken just a bit for me warm up to this idea. Ok, not just a bit, but a whole 8 ish months. Guys, I'm due in just over a month.
Part of me feels deep rooted guilt for HAVING to take this long to be truly excited. I know there are women out there who want to get pregnant more than anything. I see that and I know that. Infertility has not been my struggle in this life.
Why did it take me so long to even feel excited?
Hm. Well? Because we have a billion children. I'll save you from having to count...this makes 9! And lets just say that since the conception of our family almost 4 years ago we haven't had a chance to come up for air. One trial after the other knocks us to my knees and continues to humble and teach us. So to add another child in the mix is, at times, unbearable to imagine. I've been stuck in my own expectations of what I pictured and hoped for us to be this many years in. Slowly, though, I'm learning to let go of those expectations which is important. Why? Because if there is anything in my life that I've learned its that God's plan is MUCH better than my own. He reminds us of that often.
Here is the thing, though. We are exactly where I imagined us in the important ways. Spiritually we have grown leaps and bounds in ways I had hoped but didn't quite know how to get us there. God did, though.
Also? We don't have room in our town home. I say that and my parents laugh, I'm sure. I grew up in a 900 square foot house and with 6 brothers. We have been SO creative in how we have situated all of us here and quite frankly I'm proud of us all for making this work.
So where is baby girl going? In our closet. But, don't you worry. Her portion of the closet is the cutest nook you ever did see. I made sure of that.
Here is the other thing...as much as I'm on board with the whole "My body was made for this" thing...I'm pretty sure my body is telling me that it's done. No more, please. I've done all I can. Its SO tired and its breaking down in the baby making department. 5 pregnancies is plenty!
I'm exhausted by noon. When I try and sleep it feels like I have knives being stabbed in to each hip and there is no reprieve. Some days are worse than others and I have to scoot across the floor to clean up because getting up and down hurst so much. Sometimes my legs give out and sometimes I can walk just fine. Its kind of a surprise each day of what I get.
I try my hardest to not sneeze or cough too hard, her head rubs right on my pelvic bone and thats really fun, I have a toddler who loves nothing more than for me to be actively playing with him while also, up until last week, school the kiddos from home. I mean, all the things we jut deal with right? Its fine.
Let's now talk about the fact that I have pregnancy depression. I didn't know that was a thing until I had Brighton. The whole pregnancy I fought it and literally the second I pushed him out it was gone but I didn't know what was going on. Baby blues came and went, sure, but nothing like I felt when I was pregnant. Luckily this time I knew what to research. I figured it out what was going on and found some natural supplements that have made it bearable this time around. Message me if you want the info.
The sucky thing is I didn't have it with my other 3 pregnancies. I've read, though, that pregnancy after trauma can be wildly different than before trauma. So? That sucks. But? We deal.
Because of my age, a whopping 36 years old, it's considered a geriatric pregnancy. Officially, old lady status. I have extra fluid in my belly which is not ideal and actually kind of scary so I have to go in for multiple different appointments weekly to be monitored.
I guess in sharing all of this I want you to know that even in the most joyful times and experiences of our lives its completely normal for all of the fear and pain and previous traumas to creep in and muddy up our feelings of excitement and joy. Its ok to still be processing the hard and feel the happiness of events occurring in your every day. It doesn't make you crazy. It doesn't make you anything other than normal. Human.
K. Now you know some of what's been going on lets talk about the good stuff.
I'm pregnant...and it's girl!
Once I processed through all the crappy emotions and am now on to the excited stuff my excitement and curiosity grows daily. I want her here! NOT just because I don't want to be pregnant. I'm not even sure that statement is true. I'm savoring every second, misery and all, because I know this will be my last. I'm trying to document it all and remember it all and internalize all the things. I'm just SO excited to meet her. To hold her and to welcome her into our giant crazy family. She is in for a ride, that's for sure!
We are thrilled. My husband is gitty out of his mind to have another girl. He has been such a champ in supporting and loving me so much through all of this.
I hope you enjoy these pictures. It was a last minute shoot (because I had to do my makeup for something else ) and it consisted of an $8 sweater I found on clearance, slicing the chunky turtle neck part off which made it even MORE giant to the point of falling off but we worked with it, a remote clicker to my camera, and my trying my best to not pass out during them. It was so much work, yikes! Don't worry, I called my husband to help take the last ones because I couldn't get up and down anymore to check me work. Bless him for this act of service because I really wanted pictures!